I felt so compelled to write about this topic as personally, this has really affected me over the years in believing that the friends I had “lost” were my fault, that it was a bad thing and was I the common denominator? Was I a bad friend? Did I have high expectations? Did it all really need to end? And the biggest question of all, should I try to reconcile? I tried to remind myself of how I felt in the moments where those relationships broke down and the reasons why they had, to assure me I had done the right thing. But over the years, memories can become distorted and I began to question myself. It wasn’t until I really went on my journey of self discovery and analysing the relationships and friendships I had in my life, that I began to realise, I hadn’t “lost” these people, but I had simply outgrown them. Yes, sometimes bad things happen and people fall out, which can absolutely play a part in the outgrowing process, but so can many other things. And they are OKAY.
Growing apart is normal and GROWTH is good. You meet so many people through the course of your life, years, months, days and different things will draw you together, interests, energy, physical attraction the list goes on. And over time, those things can develop and change to a point where you are no longer aligned and drift apart.
Morals/Values Change As you develop as a human being, you develop a set of morals and values that you will hold close i.e. honesty, integrity, loyalty etc. and you will find that these people in your life may not have developed down the same path and hold different values to you and whilst it is okay to be different, this shows how you can grow apart. Doesn’t make it wrong, just makes it different. So many relationships, best friends can be like chalk and cheese, but this isn’t always the case and that too, is okay.
Effort VS Energy Energy plays a massive part here. You may find that your energy isn’t being matched and you are giving more to a relationship than you are receiving and sadly, that you may think more of this person than they think of you and always be asking about them, whilst they are never asking about you. Which is a harsh reality, but not everyone is made the same and so, this is also where boundaries can come in; however, you may also find that when you reduce or stop your input altogether, the relationship naturally comes to an end.
Making space for new, more authentic relationships One thing that is good, about leaving old, unfulfilling relationships behind, is that it frees up emotional and social space for new relationships, ones that share your passions and allow you to step into your authenticity and flourish together, stepping into what could be a life long friendship or one that serves a more relevant purpose to the point you are at in your life. It is also incredible how the universe will put the right people in your path.
Holding onto the legacy Many friendships are founded on years of friendship, from school or young children and so people hold onto that, even when the relationships aren’t serving each other. Mainly because it is comfort, or because they will feel bad. But you can’t be afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, if the relationship isn’t bringing you happiness. So whilst its great to have a best friend of 10 years, don’t be afraid to check in.
So, in the COVID-19 lockdown I did let my doubt creep in and thought, sod it. I made the effort to reach out to 3 old friends who I had drifted from. To catch up and rekindle the friendship with zero expectation out of the back of it. People that I was very close to at one point, painfully close for different reasons. One friend we face timed for 2 hours as we are in different countries and caught up etc. It was lovely, we said we would do it again, we haven’t.
The others were just messages exchanged over Facebook and again, it was so nice to reminisce and catch up on what we had been doing with our lives and similarly, mentioned meeting up eventually, we haven’t. Life changes as you become an adult, priorities change and your time and energy is precious, you deserve to spend it wisely. So I know that I have left those relationships on a positive, amicable, happy note and that in passing I will always smile and say hello, maybe even catch up again, but that for some reason, that I can’t explain, they aren’t meant to be in my life constantly and me for them. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. The universe just has a different plan and different people, for both of you. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, I mean could you imagine your social calendar?
Seriously, people come in to show you things, serve a purpose in your life and that isn’t always meant for the long term. Sometimes it is to come in and heal you, show you love, joy, heartbreak, or give you life experiences, or teach you about yourself or show you growth you couldn’t have learnt another way. Never forget that you are always growing and sometimes you can’t do that on your own. However, what we need to change is the association assigned to this and not make “endings” or “breakups” a bad thing. These come to an end as they are clearly no longer serving us and to live life to our fulfilment and happiest time, we either need that time apart or we need to move on. That is okay, that is growth.
Its time to put you first, protect your energy, don’t feel bad about it and cultivate your most authentic relationships with yourself and others.
P.S. this happens to everyone and is more common than you think. P.P.S I checked with my mum, and she also verified it, she is always right.
Love and Light
☾ The Spiritual Mamas